Unplugging to Reconnect with Myself

Isn't it scary that as we grow older we no longer know what to do in our life? We're confused about everything. We can still do day in a life because we have to; the time will not stop for us just because we feel completely lost. In that sense, we have to continue even though we don't know where to go.

I've decided to unplug for the meantime with my social medias. I don't know until when but I have to pause for a while,

For my sanity.

For my peace.

For myself. 

How timely that this is the same day I quit twitter last year. I suddenly feels to check my note to see when I decided to reduce my usage of social media and to my surprise, It's Feb 21, 2021 leaving the blue bird with the last tweet: Thank you twitter for 6 yrs! Thanks for the news, chismis, updates and for being my to go for rants and dramas. I'm finally signing off 😌

To be honest, it was a good decision. Though sometimes, when I feel alone, having panic attacks and no one to talk to, there's an urge sensation to log in again with that site. Good thing I have very few people who never get tired of me and always willing to listen. 

Disclaimer: I am in peace with what I did, it wasn't easy for a social media addict like me but I put so much effort to control myself with it. This is my own and it totally differs for others. We have our own ways to save our mental health and I'm just sharing mine in my safe space. 

Tonight, I can't sleep again. The reason why I'm writing this because a lot is going on inside my head. I choose to deactivate my social medias because It's been TOO MUCH for me lately.

Politics are all over places. Everyone is maximizing their freedom of speech. Friends and relatives exchanging loud debates and disrespecting each others opinion is too much for me to bare. It's not that "wala akong pake" but observing and thinking hard which person to vote in silence won't hurt anyone. Everyone's  voice in the social media is blaring and it's my right to choose stillness in the middle of it.

Celebrations. At the age of 28, Im still contemplating about life. While many of the same age are making it big and huge steps forward, I am here carefully taking baby steps. For one single mistake, I'll mess up everything again. As I scroll down, my emotion joins along the way. I'm feeling down too. A daily post of celebrations of soc med people I knew such as got a new car, landed a new job, career promotion, finally own a home, engagement, wedding and starting to have their own families while I am here writing my heart out because I'm a lost loser. Don't get me wrong - I am happy with their success. I clap for others because we all deserve to move forward and finally their time comes! But how about me? I will not filter myself here. Of course I am celebrating with them but I cannot hide the fact that there are times that I am also questioning my own timeline. Am I not good enough? Am I not that skillful? Am I unlucky? And I am brutally hurting myself  inside with these thoughts.

I DON'T WANT TO HURT MYSELF. 

I don't want to hurt myself AGAIN.

I am always doing my best to take care of myself inside and its really hard to go back in square one when you've done a lot already to be in the process of healing. Self love is not allowing one self to suffer with raging negative thoughts. 

So I decided to take a break. I don't know until when. Maybe tomorrow, the next day, next week or never? Maybe as soon as I am ok again and back with myself. It's not a big deal to deactivate and to be MIA in a recreated world behind the screen but when it is for mental health - IT IS.

I am unplugging to remind myself to refocus on my own. It doesn't matter what others are doing, what really matters is what I am doing.