Life Update | What Happened and What I've been up to since my last post

Hey! It's been a while since my last post, right? After the first quarter, there have been a lot of changes and events in my life. To be honest, I'm currently drawing a blank when it comes to what to share here, but it's not new, as I'm always at a loss for words. How's everyone? I genuinely hope you're all doing well, but even if things aren't going smoothly, remember to stay strong and keep moving forward. We can do this.

WHAT HAPPENED

My last post was in March about the concert. I thought this year was going to be special, and it seemed like everyone else thought so too. Things were going really well - I had a new job, a new place to live, felt better mentally, spent more time with friends, and had some good things happen to me.

Then April felt strangely quiet, and I couldn't shake the feeling that something was amiss. It just felt off, and I tried to ignore it to keep my positive outlook for the year,  but that sense of unease stayed with me.

Month of May has been really tough. We're all feeling drained because of what's been happening, but we're trying our best to stay strong. My dad had a stroke with so much complications and we had trouble finding a hospital in Cavite. I swear, if you're not well off and living outside Manila, it's really hard to get hospitalized. They will really fvcked you up.  We spent the whole night driving around Manila looking for one. I'm sorry for the strong word, but I'm really frustrated with the healthcare system in the Philippines, unless you have money for private hospitals. 

I need to look after my dad at the hospital overnight and then head to work in the morning. I'm managing the commute between Cavite, my job in Makati, and the hospital in QC. It's not that I'm physically tired; I just feel emotionally drained.

Fortunately, we were able to get my dad admitted to a semi-private room, and I'm relieved that we made that decision, even though we had financial concerns. We've been overwhelmed by the love and support of those around us who willingly lent a hand. I'm also thankful for the government's "malasakit" program, which helped us cover all the expenses. It's truly a sigh of relief.

Seeing my dad in this situation and watching my parents struggle has toughened me up. It motivates me to put in more effort because I know our life will change because someone will be  needing extra care and attention. I've mentally prepared myself for this, and so has the rest of our family.

Everyone is feeling stressed and frustrated, and honestly, I'm no exception. I've reached a point where I hardly recognize myself; I'm just going along with the flow of things. I'm not sure if I'm angry, but I can say I'm more frustrated, especially because the roots of our family relationship are quite complicated. My sister, along with my mom, took care of my dad for a month at their place in. On June 4, 2023, I had to make a trip from Cavite to Bulacan to pick up my nephew. I even had a disagreement with my brother because he has a car, and I questioned why I had to go through the hassle of commuting from the south to the north. However, I'll never regret making that trip on that day.

My sister told me that he was sleeping a lot and getting heavier two days after his hospital follow-up. I felt uneasy after hearing what she said, but I kept quiet despite I'm bothered inside. I really wanted to talk to him that day, ask how he was doing, and tell him we could get through this together. but Papa was resting, and I didn't want to disturb him, so all I did was chat and vent with my sister. I have not much time spent with my papa that day, we even had to hurry to catch the last bus to Manila.

I was able to say goodbye to him before me and my nephew left, "Pa, alis muna kami ah. pagaling ka ah laban!" and I kissed him in his forehead. He made an effort to open his eyes and nodded.

Never thought it would be the last time I'd see my papa.

Papa was taken away from us the day after I visited him.

My father don't want us to join him in his hardship. He still keep his pride until the end. Or Maybe God doesn't want him to suffer longer, He has bee through a lot too. Even though we're broken family. He is still a good father after all. 

I may not have been the closest child to him, but I was the one who held the deepest understanding of his life. I was the daughter he brought abroad to follow in his footsteps as an OFW. I was the child who got to experience having a father by her side in adulthood. I was the daughter who witnessed her father's tears when his mom fought for her life.  I see all his pain and sins but I still love him no matter what. 

I made the choice to distance myself from a toxic environment and prioritize my peace this year.  To take note it's the first time I've ever chosen my own peace. However, I find myself still burdensome of my feelings, as if choosing my well-being has placed me in a position of being a failed daughter who couldn't give her best to her father before he passed away.

I've learned to accept that I may not experience lasting happiness because it always seems to be taken away from me. To cope, I try to keep my emotions in check and not get too excited when good things happen.

WHAT I'VE BEEN UP TO

Everyday is just a new day for me to survive. I'm always going back to zero with my well being and that's okay. I'm not sure what I'm doing these days but I'm just going with life. No expectations.

We had a special celebration for my Mama's 60th birthday in July. We chose to stay at Melissa Hidden Villa in Tagaytay, and we made it extra special because she's our only parent left, and she's more emotionally sensitive now as a senior.

My boyfriend took me to their newly opened restaurant and bar in Pampanga, along with his colleagues. It was their first team outing out of town.

I started reading again, but after three months, I still haven't finished "The Fifth Mountain" by Paulo Coelho. I hope I can muster the will to complete it and move on to the next book.

I work for eight hours a day, five days a week. I return home every weekend to spend quality time with my family and of course, our dog.

My boyfriend and I watched the Barbie movie in cinema and I cried! Appreciation to my jowa for keeping me sane and for the surprise movie date, noting the pink label of this movie. 

5 days before our father left, we welcomed a new baby in the family. my 4th baby from my sisters. so cute and chubby!

Lately, I've been struggling with my self-esteem, feeling less attractive and losing my confidence. It could just be a temporary phase. I'm not as active on social media as I used to be too.

I went to visit one of my cherished friends who is now in heaven, to mark the one-year anniversary of her presence there. I miss her everyday.

I'm still in contact with a few friends, and I make sure to keep them in the loop. There's this one friend who really encourages me to keep pushing the 1% in me and to do this blog post.

I've formed a new friendship recently. We've met up at a coffee shop twice now, discussing our mental health. someone safe to share our internal struggles. it helps a lot.

I'm still enjoying my coffee; it's what keeps me alive. Going places to try hole in wall cafes. no blog posts for it yet. I lack the motivation. 

I'm going through the motions of daily life to make progress, nothing out of the ordinary.

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That's it for this blog post. I'll do my best to work things out. Stay safe everyone. Remember, sharing your feelings can make them feel lighter, even though I'm going through a tough time too. Just know that you're loved.