Birthday Blues

Severe anxiety and depression. 

Okay so this is what you're experiencing all about. You know this because a mental health professional told you so. You've been with it for a longest time trying to ignore all the signs yet at the back of your head suspecting it is and now you're not just mistaken all the symptoms. It is what it is.

I just found myself crying in front of a woman I don't know personally. I cried explaining all the things I'm dealing everyday that cause me pain. 

I can't sleep. I have to depend on meds just so I could be grateful for at least 3 hrs of sleep.

Heartbeats fast, shaking, crying and edgy every time the day turns night. 

I'm suffocated with my work

I don't like what im doing

But I can't give it up

Because its what make us survive everyday.

I feel worthless most of the time. 

I got triggered randomly.

I don't know what I wanted to do in life anymore. I feel like I'm no longer needed anywhere. I'm not good at anything and my skills always not enough. 

Unintentionally losing weight.

Excessive crying from unknown reason.

There are days I wish to end it all 

But I'm fighting the feeling.

I wanted to live. 

To live free spirited not just in a routine that I have to survive the day. 

It's my birthmonth. 

Month ago im excited and decided that I'll be celebrating birthday again after ignoring my special day for two years. I'm making plans and sending jokes to love ones to send me cake. One week before my day comes up, I lose all the interest for celebration. I know it's a day to celebrate for another year has given to me but there are times it feels like I don't deserve it. I'm aging yet I haven't fulfilled any dreams yet, I'm stuck with "wth is this". I'm drowning with worries in the future and mingling with the worse of the past and I keep all that behind a cheerful smile.

I wish I could explain it well but I don't even know why I feel this way. 

Blues are everywhere these days...