from Draft: A letter to E.
I have no words to blog anything interesting or worth reading post right now for I'm still lost even wherein the last days of the year. As much as I want to take courage and be free, I'm still stuck right here and dimming my light. I feared the worsen uncertainties of this season. But if there's one thing I could write about, it would be all about YOU. I'm impassive to anything but when it comes to you, I have long widened narrative to share. As I confessed over a bottle of beer, you're my only favorite that happened this 2020. It's you who made me hold on this year, just like last year and the other year.
Despite of being unstable and unlovable, you stayed and that's enough for me to be truly grateful.
And when I'm grateful, there's an exciting drive inside me to tell story about it. I speak loud about true and good people I encounter in life because I knew the world needs more of them. (though we always insist that we're the bad kids.) I will share you through this blog because you're one of the instrument that helped me to keep going in life.
You appeared unexpectedly. I'm a complete mess figuring out how to cope up the trouble of heartbreak yet you came calmly that turned my chaos into peace. You didn't lend a hand so I could get out of the situation yet your existence brought me something else: An ear to listen and a mouth that speaks out only truth. You woke me up with the reality that I'm the only one who can get me out from this and I have to endure the pain until it's all gone. Comfort is just secondary. I am grateful that you showed me that I've got only myself and that the time is all mine to pick myself up and be better.
Maybe the world is playful for someone like me.When you're done settling a situation, another difficult one is coming and it's like a series of unluckiness. My heartache, just like anyone else is tolerable. It can be healed by time. However when it's the health at risk, I'm not sure anymore if I can still handle it.
I felt so alone during those days I go back and forth the hospital for check up and daily daily injections. I felt truly alone every night I struggle to breathe and sick in the desert. But there you are sending me messages such as what happened to my day, how's my hospital appointment, what's doctor's finding, sending me memes to cheer me up and making me laugh with your wittiness. In spite of being seriously ill and all the wail, you're able to lessen the pain by just being there for me virtually.
Worse thing happened. I got hospitalized, not just a month but months. You are one of the first people who knew right from the beginning about how ill I was. Telling everything to you eases me. I knew it still hard to breathe physically but inside, I feel well because you're there. Sometimes you need to tell someone to relieve the pain. Months after, I'm frustrated and self- pitying. I don't want to talk to anyone even my family because it feels like I'm a burden already. Some will never understand, but they definitely will once they experience it but I hope no one will go through that situation I had, ever. I told you all of that yet you hesitate and told me you'll send me a message everyday, yes you did. There are no days that I didn't receive a message from you even up until now. You are with me during the most difficult times of my life and not single a moment I hear you saying you've had enough. I'm sure I'll understand if you give up on me that time but you didn't. Maybe I'm unlucky in situations but how blessed I am to have good people around me. It's not the situation that matters. It's whom you're surrounded with. I'm glad we've got connection and you came to me in '18. I'm thankful you're still there the whole '19.
I thought things will change once I got discharged from the hospital. I am actually prepared if someone will leave again. But I'm all wrong. We got more better each day. I became more comfortable like I've known you since day one or maybe its the exchange of memes that draw us closer together. You became my everyday diary. We shared the happenings even nonsense before the day ends. I even had the longest long distance phone call duration with you. I became used to it. I don't want to cling in the idea of you yet we're there already. Honestly, I feared it but at the same time I'm already more afraid to lose you.
'20 got me the chance to go back home. My prayer was to take me away from you if you're not good for me. Just me, being cautious as early as possible. But there's opportunity for me to go home and we've got the chance to meet finally. You are who you are online and offline. I'm glad we never set expectations, I'm thankful we take it slowly to enjoy the little things and make the most out of it. I'm grateful that we'll end up the year together.
"The law of total numbers of misfortunes we all have a set of happiness and misfortunes assigned to us. If life is filled with misfortunes right now, it means only happiness awaits them." - it's okay not to be okay.
With you, I'm happy.
Still you for 2021.
Posts
No comments: