Almost Goodbye to my Twenties.
"Dapat pala medyo bongga birthday natin this year kasi last birthday na ng 20's hehe"
It hits me hard. The idea of turning 30s left me fearful, anxious and full of frustrations.
I was done with setting up parties or celebrations for my birthdays since 2019. I just wanted my birth date to be celebrated quietly, to just thank God for another opportunity to try again to live life and the fact that I'm still breathing but do I still deserve the air?
I replied to him as if I was happy with the thought of events but I actually felt empty inside. It's gonna be my last year being in my twenties yet my life still sucks. I have no achievements. I stayed for jobs that I'm not happy. I'm now a part timer employee because I can no longer risk my mental health and can't even find a full time job that will fit me best - career and financially wise. I'm broke. I am not happy but not unhappy either. A decade will almost pass and I just flow aimlessly while surviving. I couldn't even face my younger self and tell her "it's okay, you did well" How can I tell her lies? Maybe I'll just give the little me a pat on the shoulder and tell her all the real talks about how cruel the world is.
They say people who grind double times daily and went to hardship mostly succeeded. This keeps ringing in my ear. Call me sensitive cause I really am. Does my hardship wasn't enough? All the years in my twenties, I worked hard, I provided, I sacrificed yet wasn't enough? I have no vices yet I'm always sick, I'm earning yet I can't buy things I want for myself. I never pull down others just to reach what I want. Hardship is a hard pill to swallow. Not applicable for everyone and that's a reality for some.
If only I knew time will just pass me by, I should have been free spirited during my twenties years. I should have put myself first before anyone else.
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